Uggghhh. I’ve put on 20 pounds since last New Years Eve. My weight has really been a struggle the last few years. You see, My job consists of sitting in a movie theater watching movies… then sitting in front of my computer writing about them, or sitting in front of my computer reading reports about them. Hell… I even work from home. My amount of inactivity is staggering, but at the same time I’m crazy busy so I don’t often think about taking the time to prepare proper healthy meals or get to the gym nearly enough.

This week, I weighed in at the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life… 239 pounds. My ideal weight is 205.

Here’s a picture of me from New Years Eve (the woman in the pic is Theresa from my movie “The Anniversary”:

As you can see, I’m bigger than I’ve ever been. The worst part of it is that I can FEEL it. I just don’t feel healthy. My legs get sore faster due to carrying around 40 extra pounds, I tire out faster and I don’t sleep as well.

THIS MUST CHANGE NOW.

So… a couple of days ago I started to focus on getting exercise and putting effort into eating properly. Nothing extreme… but it’s time to get serious.

So to help me do this, I’ve decided to post here on my blog my weight every couple of days to keep myself accountable.

SO ME A FAVOR… please encourage me as I make progress… and mock me when I don’t. I could really use the help.

Thanks guys… and happy new year!

There are many many many things I enjoy about hanging out here in Los Angeles. The weather is simply amazing. Being a movie guy there is no better place on earth to be than right here. Culturally there are endless things to do and see and on top of all that I’ve made some great friends here.

However… Christmas time just doesn’t feel right without 2 important things. Family and SNOW!!!! Family is obvious… but man… without snow on the ground it just doesn’t feel like the season to me. So later next week I’m going to hop on a plane and head back to Hamilton Ontario for a couple of weeks to enjoy Christmas. Christmas with the family… and Christmas with snow!

I don’t let much bother me. When you do what I do for a living (giving opinions publicly) you can’t allow to let what other people think effect you too much or you’ll go mad. That’s fine, since I’ve never really cared much about what other people thought of me, my opinions or my decisions. I’ve always been very confident in myself, my abilities and my decisions.

I’m also a very social person. I like being in groups of people. That same confidence I’ve had in every other area of my life was also a part of my social interaction. I’ve always been a confident person around other people, comfortable being myself and engaging people naturally without ever being nervous, shy or inhibited too much. If people liked me, great… if the odd person didn’t, I didn’t really worry about it. That was me my whole life, and I loved it that way.

But then something happened. I got into a very destructive relationship for a few years. It’s funny, nothing anyone ever thought could phase me… but when you have someone very close to you, their opinions have a lot of power over you wether you like it or not. In this relationship I spent years having my self confidence shattered, my self esteem decimated and my ability to interact with people naturally and easily totally neutered. In this relationship I was constantly told everything I did or said (socially) was wrong or embarrassing. This person had terrible power over me (those close to us often do), and although I choose to believe they never intended to cause harm or intentionally hurt me (we were basically 2 good people who were horrible for each other), the damage was done nonetheless. When I got free from that relationship, I naively thought everything would then get back to normal… but even now, YEARS later, I’m still discovering how much damage was done.

Last night, me and my roommate hosted a party. There were some friends there, and a couple of people I didn’t really know, or know that well. Everyone was having a good time. I was quite busy (it was an Oscar party, and I had some work to do throughout the evening, so I was pretty distracted), but when the Oscars were done, it was decided that the party would be taken to a local bar just a short walk from where I live. So off we all went…

Now you have to understand, a few years ago this was TOTALLY my element. A social gathering with a bunch of people. I was always so comfortable, so confident and so natural in those situations. I would be in my element. But when we got to the bar I suddenly felt uncomfortable, uneasy, shy, afraid to talk to people out of fear that I would say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and just end up looking stupid. I wanted to engage people there, I wanted to be myself… but I was just paralyzed. I felt so uncomfortable that I eventually just left early and walked home.

When I got home I realized that I am not the same person I was a few years ago, and that the damage done to me in that relationship was deeper and more extensive than I’ve wanted to recognize… and I HATE IT. It’s killing me. Not quite sure where I go from here… perhaps recognizing the issue will help me get over it… maybe it will take more than that. Not sure. What I do know is that it’s ruining a lot of potential positive times while I’m here in Los Angeles… and that’s got to stop.