I don’t let much bother me. When you do what I do for a living (giving opinions publicly) you can’t allow to let what other people think effect you too much or you’ll go mad. That’s fine, since I’ve never really cared much about what other people thought of me, my opinions or my decisions. I’ve always been very confident in myself, my abilities and my decisions.
I’m also a very social person. I like being in groups of people. That same confidence I’ve had in every other area of my life was also a part of my social interaction. I’ve always been a confident person around other people, comfortable being myself and engaging people naturally without ever being nervous, shy or inhibited too much. If people liked me, great… if the odd person didn’t, I didn’t really worry about it. That was me my whole life, and I loved it that way.
But then something happened. I got into a very destructive relationship for a few years. It’s funny, nothing anyone ever thought could phase me… but when you have someone very close to you, their opinions have a lot of power over you wether you like it or not. In this relationship I spent years having my self confidence shattered, my self esteem decimated and my ability to interact with people naturally and easily totally neutered. In this relationship I was constantly told everything I did or said (socially) was wrong or embarrassing. This person had terrible power over me (those close to us often do), and although I choose to believe they never intended to cause harm or intentionally hurt me (we were basically 2 good people who were horrible for each other), the damage was done nonetheless. When I got free from that relationship, I naively thought everything would then get back to normal… but even now, YEARS later, I’m still discovering how much damage was done.
Last night, me and my roommate hosted a party. There were some friends there, and a couple of people I didn’t really know, or know that well. Everyone was having a good time. I was quite busy (it was an Oscar party, and I had some work to do throughout the evening, so I was pretty distracted), but when the Oscars were done, it was decided that the party would be taken to a local bar just a short walk from where I live. So off we all went…
Now you have to understand, a few years ago this was TOTALLY my element. A social gathering with a bunch of people. I was always so comfortable, so confident and so natural in those situations. I would be in my element. But when we got to the bar I suddenly felt uncomfortable, uneasy, shy, afraid to talk to people out of fear that I would say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing and just end up looking stupid. I wanted to engage people there, I wanted to be myself… but I was just paralyzed. I felt so uncomfortable that I eventually just left early and walked home.
When I got home I realized that I am not the same person I was a few years ago, and that the damage done to me in that relationship was deeper and more extensive than I’ve wanted to recognize… and I HATE IT. It’s killing me. Not quite sure where I go from here… perhaps recognizing the issue will help me get over it… maybe it will take more than that. Not sure. What I do know is that it’s ruining a lot of potential positive times while I’m here in Los Angeles… and that’s got to stop.
