Yesterday headlines were shooting all over the blogsphere proclaiming that it has been CONFIRMED that a long awaited “Arrested Development” movie is coming. But when you stop to actually look and listen to what was really said you quickly realized that nothing of the sort has happened… and unfortunately, probably never will. Check out my video blog for why:

No, I’m not a big fan of the newer films (Episodes 1,2 and 3), but I like to think I gave them a fair shake and saw them each multiple times in the theatres when they came out.

With that being said… there is no chance in hell I’ll be putting my money down to buy these new Blu-Rays that are coming out. And here’s why:

Let me say this upfront: I am NOT completely against the idea of Murphy hosting the Oscars. I actually think there is some real potential there. I like Eddie Murphy. I think he’s a talented dude.

But with that being said, I do have 3 significant issues with his selection that I outline in the video below. Give it a watch and let me know your thoughts.

PROBLEM #1 – WHY SHOOT SENTINEL PRIME DOWN?
In the movie we see that Sentinel Prime is escaping from Cybertron and the Decepticons with his pillars. During the escape, the Decepticons shoot his ship out of the sky causing it to hurl through the galaxy and crash landing on earth’s moon. But later in the film we learn Sentinel had defected to the Decepticons and had arranged with Megatron to meet up with him on earth. HUH!?!?! So why the hell did the Decepticons shoot his ship down?

PROBLEM #2 – HOW COULD MEGATRON MAKE A DEAL WITH PRIME WHEN HE WAS FROZEN IN ICE?
In Transformers 3 we learn that Megatron and Sentinel Prime made a deal and a plan to meet up on earth and Sentinel was on his way there to meet Megatron when the Decepticons inexplicably (see problem #1) shot him down. The problem is that according to the first Transformers movie, Megatron crashed on earth A LONG TIME AGO… like 1000 years ago. So how did this plan get hatched between him and Sentinel when he’s been frozen in Earth’s ice for that long?

PROBLEM #3 – IF THE DECEPTICONS WON THE WAR, WHY IS CYBERTRON BARREN?
The Transformers movies up to this point had suggested that the Autobot/Decepticon war had driven them to mutual near extinction and thus Cybertron was nothing but a barren waste. But in Transformers 3 the narrative tells us that the final Autobots were fleeing because the Decepticons had clearly won. If they clearly won… why was Cybertron barren?

PROBLEM #4 – WAIT, WHAT ABOUT THE SHIP THEY TOOK TO THE MOON?
Near the end of the film the humans tell they Autobots they had to leave earth, to which Sam replies “they have no way to leave earth”. WHAT!?!?! Just 30 minutes earlier we see Optimus Prime and Wratchet fly to the moon in a ship to recover Sentinel Prime.

PROBLEM #5 – WHY DID SENTINEL DECLINE THE MATRIX OF LEADERSHIP?
In one of the better moments in the film, Optimus kneels down before Sentinel Prime and offers him back the Autobot Matrix of Leadership… his greatest source of power. At the time it was touching that Sentinel declined to take it… but once we learned that Sentinel had betrayed the Autobots and was planning on destroying them and enslaving the earth it made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

PROBLEM #6 – SINCE WHEN DOES THE GREAT OPTIMUS PRIME THROW HISSY FIT SILENT TREATMENT TEMPER TANTRUMS?
This isn’t really a continuity or logic problem, but it is a massive character inconsistency. Optimus Prime is the most noble, wise and intelligent warrior in the galaxy… but when he discovers a piece of Sentinel’s ship engine he transforms into truck mode and had a little silent treatment temper tantrum like a 5 year old child??? Excuse me?

There are a dozen other major problems I had with the movie… but these ones stood out to me the most. Lots of things to like about Transformers 3… hell I’ll probably even see it again… but how any of the above problems got past an editor is beyond me.

What are your thoughts on those problems. Were there easy and logical answers presented in the movie that I just missed (I’ve only seen it once so far)?

Amidst an unbelievable mess last year, it fell to me to take on the responsibility and privilege of organizing and running the annual “Masters of the Web” panel at Comic Con. Despite all the last minute drama, we (myself, my team at AMC and the MOTW panelists and moderators who stepped up and participated) were able to pull off what I thought was maybe the best MOTW panel ever.

Yesterday I put up the official announcement of who the panelists for this year’s Masters of the Web panel would be. Now, I’m old enough to know that no matter who I put on this panel 1) Some would love it, 2) Some would be a bit confused by it, 3) Some would hate it. That’s just life and I accept that. It was no different last year.

Surprisingly the response to the line up I selected was overwhelmingly positive, but still, a few friends of mine and people I respect asked me the question “why did you choose THIS?”

So instead of writing an email to everyone who asks, I thought I’d just throw this post up here to address it once and hopefully it will do the job and clarify everything about why I picked the way I did.

First of all… for those of you who may not yet know, the 2011 Masters of the Web are:

Jen Yamato (MovieLine)
Scott Biggs (Senior Editor of Film School Rejects)
Peter Sciretta (Editor-in Chief Slashfilm)
Vic Holtreman (Editor-in-Chief Screenrant)
Anne Thompson (Thompson on Hollywood)
Sasha Perl-Raver (Movieweb, On air film critic NBC LA, Food Network)
Mike Sampson (Senior Editor JoBlo)
Jenna Bucsh (IGN, Moviephone, Coming Soon, Joblo, etc, etc)

You can see the announcement post here: http://ow.ly/5kBHa

To save myself some typing, much of the following is paraphrased from an email conversation I had earlier today with a friend of mine who was one of the people who were a bit confused and concerned by my selections, but I think it sums up my position and thought process pretty well:

FRIEND (paraphrased for brevity): “The point of the MOTW panel was to do something to give voice to some of the people who were on the backlines and didn’t get recognized that often and give them the chance to communicate directly with the readers.I think last year had a great turnout and a great mix of people on the panel, but it feels (to me) like the pressure you got last year to have more women meant that you filled the panel with many women who aren’t webmasters or even editors and have absolutely no idea what goes on the day-to-day of running a site and some who IMO don’t have a place on that forum. I won’t get into any specifics but I wasn’t the only person in our circles who looked at the line-up and said “What the?”

**To be clear here, my friend was speaking strictly from a place of constructive criticism and it wasn’t in a mean spirited tone at all**

MY RESPONSE (paraphrased and edited a bit): “Let me address a couple of things.

One of the problems and growing criticisms of the MOTW panel has been that it was becoming rather monotonous and a bit of an “ole boys club” with the exact same people and sites represented each year. It also felt like over the years a lot of the guys on the panel (if not all of them) came from the exact same perspectives. I’ve really felt that for at least one year, things needed to be shaken up.

You said you thought the general point of the MOTW panel was “to give voice to some of the people who were on the backlines and didn’t get recognized that often”.

I completely agree! But in giving voice to those who rarely get recognized I felt like a lot of different people and perspectives in the online movie world were being ignored. We still have people who have the perspective of webmasters and editors like Peter, Vic, Mike and Scott… but I also wanted people with perspectives like Jenna who writes for multiple sites, people with perspectives like Sasha who lives in both the online and television worlds, and people with perspectives like Anne who comes from the traditional journalism and major outlet backgrounds to becoming one of the most respected folks on the web. And yes… I think the perspective of women has been massively ignored on this panel. No, it’s not OUR perspective… but that’s sort of the point isn’t it?

My belief is that if you’re going to have a panel exclusively filled with people who all come from the same perspective, then you might as well just have one person up there at the mic. You and I know the online movie world is about more then just that one core group of people.

And I agree that we absolutely need to have the veterans back. Like I said in the announcement post on the AMC website:

“Before we list this year’s participants it should be noted that many of you will recognize that many of the familiar “Masters of the Web” faces are not a part of the panel this year. Fear not! Many of them will return next year, but this year we thought we’d mix things up by adding a bunch of new faces (5 of the 8 panelists have never been on this panel before), diversifying the panel and adding new sites that have never been represented on the panel before. We think we’ve accomplished that”.

So you see… I think we’re actually GETTING BACK to what the original vision of the panel was: “to give voice to some of the people who were on the backlines and didn’t get recognized that often”. Not just one group of them, but a wider group who make the online film world what it is.

Again, I really appreciate you responding to me and explaining your thoughts… means a lot. I hope I was able to clarify why I made some of the changes that I did. I know not everyone will be happy with it, but I was going to be in that position no matter what i did. ”

Personally, I absolutely LOVE the panel we have this year and feel very grateful that each one of them accepted the invitation to be a part of it. Whenever you try something new you meet some resistance, but I think this panel will be fantastic. Is it possible that I dropped the ball on this? Sure it’s possible… anything I touch has the chance of being screwed up. I guess time will tell. Live and learn.

Cheers!

So Han and Luke come up to me and tell me the three of us have to leave because there’s a medal ceremony to honor us for our part in blowing the shit out of the Death Star. “Sweet”, I say. So we head out to the Rebel Base’s main outdoor courtyard (why those dumb shits built a huge garden courtyard on a secret rebel hidden military base I’ll never figure out) and some douche in a uniform tells us he’ll give the signal when it’s time to walk down that long ass aisle. The guy gives us the green light and we walk out… and holy shit every single rebel has showed up for the ceremony.

As we get closer and closer to the stage I get kinda misty eyed. To feel this sort of recognition and appreciation from my new rebel peers was pretty special, especially doing it along side my good old pal Han.

So there I was, up at the front, having just strolled down the aisle with Han and Luke… me… the guy who brought Obi-Wan to Han in the first place, the guy who talked that chicken shit Han into going back to get into the Death Star fight, the guy they never would have escaped the Death Star without in the first place. There I was watching Luke get his medal. Then watching Han get his medal. This is when things went tits up for me.

I start to take a step towards the princess to get my medal, and all of a sudden Luke and Han turn around and everyone starts cheering. I looked up and realized there were no more medals.

WHAT… THE… FUCK?!?!?!?!

Look, I’ve never been a glory hog, so it doesn’t KILL me that I didn’t get a medal. But why in Yoda’s name would you get me to walk down the aisle, stand up at the stage, and then leave me standing there with my gigantic Wookie dick in my hands? Now I look like a total dick in front of the whole damn rebel alliance. They probably all thought I was just desperate for attention and just had to tag along.

You all didn’t see it, but about 3 seconds after your movie screen went black and the credits started, I turned around and punched Han square in the nut sack, then squatted and took a dump on the royal stage, gave everyone the finger and marched off. I mean… screw that right?

(I originally wrote this article back in 2009 on The Movie Blog, but we were playing the Star Wars RPG last night and it made me think to post it again).

One thing we all also share in common is that to one degree or another we all have movie wish lists. A personal list of stories that we would love to see turned into a full length feature film. Books, myths, comics, old TV shows, short stories… it doesn’t matter.

Now, within each wish lists there lies a segment of potential movies that will, in all likelihood, never actually happen for one reason or another. A few years ago I actually penned an article dedicated to these “will never happen” movies. At the time the list was only 6. Since then I’ve expanded it to 10. So here now for your consideration I present to you:

10 FILMS I’D LOVE TO SEE THAT WILL LIKELY NEVER HAPPEN

1) STAR WARS: THE THRAWN TRILOGY

I flat out do not like Star Wars novels. In my opinion the vast majority of them are just fan fiction tripe. Having said that, the Thrawn trilogy (Heir To The Empire, Dark Force Rising and The Last Command) was nothing short of pure genius. The books take place 5 years after the battle of Endor (the events in Return of the Jedi). in the story the Empire still exists, even though it now only controls a small percentage of what it once did since the New Republic’s victory. Their new commander is a hyper genius called Grand Admiral Thrawn who learns everything he needs to know about a culture just by looking at its art. The most brilliant strategist in the galaxy, he launches a new plan to destroy the New Republic and restore the Empire to dominance.

If you have not read these books, you simply MUST add them to your reading list. They are just phenominal, especially if you count yourself a Star Wars or sci-fi fan. Yeah, these movies will never happen in a million years, but I’d do almost anything to see them made.

2) SHOGUN

This is the one that doesn’t quite fit with all the other selection on my list. Shogun is the bestselling James Clavell novel that was later turned into a fantastic television mini series (on a side note, they don’t make nearly as many mini series as they should anymore… it’s a wonderful vehicle for storytelling). The story is rich and deep with fantastic character and ever evolving plot turns with an immersive history behind it all.

Bad ass Samurais, deadly battles with Ninjas, political intrigue, honor, love, international espionage, being lost at sea, courage… this novel had it all.

I can’t remember the last time the mini series was on television… it was originally aired way back in 1980. It was one of the first novels I’ve ever read (it’s a long one). If you read it, you’ll totally see why I have it on this list. It would clearly need to be done as a trilogy or a big 2 parter. But sadly no one really knows about Shogun anymore, and it’s far too old now to have a following I think. Most likely will never happen.

3) THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS / BATMAN VS SUPERMAN

Back in 1986 “The Dark Knight Returns” was a story that reinvigorated, revitalized and in many ways rebirthed the comic book industry. It was also the comic that got me into comics.

Both written and illustrated by the legendary Frank Miller (“300″, “Sin City”), “The Dark Knight Returns” introduced us to the darkest and most violent Batman the comics had ever seen, and in many ways “created” the Batman that most people know today. Bruce Wayne is now 55 years old and, like most superheroes, has been retired from action for over a decade. In the absence of heroes Gotham has descended into a pit of crime and brutal gangs who now run the city and keep its citizens trapped in fear. The aging Bruce Wayne has decided enough is enough and comes out of retirement in a VERY nasty mood.

However, in cleaning up the city and hospitalizing any criminal he comes across, the government, which no longer accept vigilantes, decide Batman must be stopped and dispatches Superman (who works for the government) to stop him. The ensuing battle between these friends and former allies is one of the best and most epic I’ve ever read and is what makes me include a “Batman vs Superman” movie along with “The Dark Knight Returns”. I’d be more than thrilled to see either of these brought to life.

Sadly, I don’t think Warner Bros. (who hold the rights to the Batman character) has any intention of doing the aging Batman story, nor do I think they have any plans to pit the two titans (Batman and Superman) against each other in a feature film. Thus neither of these will probably ever happen… except almost daily in my imagination.

4) X-MEN: THE AGE OF APOCALYPSE

Probably my all time favorite comic book story line and the one that originally got me into reading X-Men comics.

The basic idea is this: A mutant named Legion (who just so happens to be Professor X’s son) goes back in time to when Charles Xavier (Professor X) and Magneto were friends to kill Magneto in a twisted notion that if Magneto had died early in his life, Charles (his father) would have had an easier time in the ensuing years. However, Charles sacrifices himself to save Magneto, thus changing history. The Age of Apocalypse is basically a look at what the world would look like if Charles Xavier died years ago before he ever founded the X-Men. The answer is that the villain Apocalypse takes over most of the world… and Magneto, so moved by Charles’ sacrifice to save him so many years ago ends up forming the X-Men (named after his fallen friend) to stand against Apocalypse.

The story is just insanely good. You MUST read it. Magneto the leader of the X-Men. Rouge and Magneto are a couple and have a child together. Cyclops is a bad guy, Sabertooth is an X-Man, down is up, up is down, cats and dogs singing together… it’s just crazy.

Sadly, with “X-Men: First Class” coming out this summer and the apparent future films it will create it seems that Fox studios has no plans for this story line… and not to mention the cost of doing an Age of Apocalypse movie is beyond calculation. Minimum you’d be looking at is about $350-$500 million. This film will never happen.

5) STARCRAFT

In the internet film communities I’m infamously known for believing that video games just DO NOT MAKE GOOD MOVIES. Without going into it too much, games are designed for gameplay… not narrative storytelling and thus never translate well.

With that being said, I think there are a couple of video game franchises out there that could very well contain enough narrative and background mythologies to actually pull off a great movie. “Starcraft” is one of those games.

From Wikipedia: “StarCraft takes place in a science fiction universe created by Chris Metzen and James Phinney for Blizzard Entertainment. According to the story presented in the game’s manual, the overpopulation of Earth in the early 21st century has caused the international government to exile undesirable elements of the human race, such as criminals, the cybernetically enhanced and genetic mutants to colonize the far reaches of the galaxy.

In the distant Koprulu Sector of the galaxy the exiles form several governments but quickly fall into conflict with each other. One government, the Confederacy of Man, eventually emerges as the strongest faction, but its oppressive nature and brutal methods of suppressing dissidents stir up major rebel opposition in the form of a terrorist group called the Sons of Korhal. Just prior to the beginning of the game, in December 2499, an alien race possessing advanced technology and psionic power, the Protoss, makes first contact with humanity by destroying a Confederate colony world without any prior warning. Soon after this, the Terrans discover that a second alien race, the insectoid Zerg, has been stealthily infesting the surface of several of the Terran colonies, and that the Protoss are destroying the planets to prevent the Zerg from spreading. With the Confederacy threatened by two alien races and internal rebellion, it begins to crumble.”

The game is then a struggle between the 3 races, as well as internal conflicts and civil wars WITHIN 2 of the races (the humans and the Protoss) and various alliances. It is a story rich in characters, depth and mythology and would make a great feature film. It’ll never happen though.

6) STARBLAZERS (Space Battleship Yamato)

The Japanese show was actually called “Space Battleship Yamato”. The story was fantastic… earth came under attack by a mysterious allien race and was pelting the earth with radiation bombs forcing the human race to live underground. However, the radiation is seeping deeper and deeper into the earth and will soon wipe out the human race. Then, just when all hope seemed lost, earth gets a message from a princess on a far away planet who says she has a device that will clean the radiation off earth… the trick is they have to come and get the device. They have just under one year to travel to her distant planet to get it and return to earth before the radiation penetrates deep enough into the earth to kill everyone.

So, they dig up the old legendary Battleship Yamato from WW2 and refit it to become a space battleship to travel into space to get the device.

The show was AWESOME! A live action version of this thing would be amazing. It would also be unbelievably expensive and thus will probably never get made despite rumors that there are some studios wanting to do it.

7) LIVE ACTION G-FORCE

No, I’m not talking about those stupid talking hamsters. I’m talking about the original “Battle of the Planets” show. Mark, Jason, Tiny, Princess and Keyop. I remember as a kid that show was crazy popular amongst all my friends who lived on my street. We used to play G-Force. We’d get blankets and make little makeshift capes and run around our street. I was always Jason.

It was the first show that I recall using the idea of a big main ship (called The Phoenix) that had smaller vehicles it could deploy that the different members of the team would pilot. The ship also had one weapon… a little missile launcher that was controlled by one big red button.

And while the adults had the big shock of “Who Shot J.R.”, us kids at the time had the big major shock of discovering that the bad guy, Zoltar, was actually a woman!!!!!!!

They are currently working on an animated version of this which is terrific… but I want a live action film… and it’ll never happen. Sigh….

MEGAFORCE 2

The only “sequel” on my list is an interesting (or pathetic, depending on how you look at it) one. It’s hard to put into actual words how cheesy the original Megaforce movie was… but at the same time… when I was a kid… there was no describing how flat out AWESOME it was too! In essence, Megaforce was really just a basterdized version of G.I. Joe. An elite international counter-terrorism fighting force with all of the world’s top technological weapons and cool ass vehicles at their disposal. Their leader was a dude called “Ace”. How great (terrible) is that?

Flying Motorcycles with rocket launchers were their main weapons of choice followed by these high tech dune buggy things they had.

This will never happen again in a million years because it was so undeniably cheesy, there is a G.I. Joe movie franchise now, and no one even remembers the original. “Life is a wheel… it all comes around” (Megaforce commander ACE).

9) MILK AND CHEESE

More than any other potential film on this list “Milk and Cheese” is quite difficult to describe. I almost feel guilty having it on my list… but here it is.

Milk and Cheese are… well… a sentient small carton of milk and a small block of cheese (hey don’t roll your eyes at me, I already admitted I almost feel guilty having them on the list.

With a small carton of milk and block of cheese you’d expect these to be cute and adorable little creatures right? WRONG! Milk and Cheese are the most hate filled, angry, violent, destructive duo you’ve ever come across. They even take a baseball bat to the easter bunny. And yet… they are SO FUNNY. I could sit and read “Milk and Cheese” all day long… I’d feel guilty about it, but I’d do it.

10) BEN HUR REMAKE

Remakes are all the rage in Hollywood these days (and the past decade or so), so why not include one on this list? In all honestly, this is a film I would LOVE to see remade for a couple of reasons.

Many people hate the idea of remakes… but some fantastic movies have come from remakes. I personally believe some movies are ripe for remakes and this movie, one of my top 10 all time favorites, is one of them.

First of all the story is fantastic with rich characters, betrayal, broken friendship, tragedy and triumph. Truly rich and epic scale stories a in demand these days and the story of Ben Hur would bring it in spades.

Secondly the action in the original film is still mind blowing today… just imagine what it could be and look like with modern techniques and technology.

Thirdly, let’s face it, many of today’s movie going audience have never watched the 1959 masterpiece, and even though I’d prefer audiences to watch the original, I’m not naive enough to believe they’re all going to run out and rent it suddenly. A remake would expose a while new audience to Ben Hur.

However, Ben Hur is considered to be a Hollywood holy book. Untouchable. I highly doubt anyone will ever put their neck on the line and actually produce a remake to it.

So there you have it folks. 10 films I’d love to see made that will probably never see the light of day. What do you think of the list? Which ones do you agree with and which do you disagree with? What wish list movies would you personally put on this list? Let me know.